My therapist said something the other day that really upset me.
She said a reason that I’ve been unable to find someone to be close friends with and/or be a date partner is because I may not be ‘helpless’ enough.
This was in reference to me telling her that a casual friend of mine, a person who is no more special nor more ordinary that I, has close friends and a date partner. And I said that I was a little envious because if they have people, what’s so wrong with me that I don’t and can’t seem to find any?
My therapist then asked me if that friend came across as helpless. And they do.
They fucking do.
This is a thing?
What happened to just being yourself?
So even though I’m extremely independent and have never been helpless a day in my adult life, I’m supposed to pretend to be helpless or learn to be helpless in order to not be so fucking lonely?
How is this even possible?
I call bullshit.
But I still need answers.
I don’t understand how I can be so fucking unlovable just because I am an independent person.
If this is true, this is no longer about me just not being able to ‘find my people’. Now this is about basic human nature.
If this is true, I’m now rethinking every friendship, every relationship I have ever been involved in. Have those that have failed, failed because I’m not helpless? I would certainly hope there was more than that, but what if there wasn’t?
And just because I’m independent that doesn’t mean I don’t need or want people in my life. Being independent just means I can handle my own shit, by myself. I thought that was a good thing. And now I’m finding out that maybe it isn’t? I get that people need to feel needed. I need to feel needed too. I want to feel that I matter.
However, I’m not changing the core of who I am for anyone and because of that I feel as though I’m destined to be a lonely fucking loser for the rest of my life.
Because strange as it seems, I’m holding out. Holding out for the one person who gets me. And I’m increasingly getting more worried that person doesn’t exist.
I hope I am proven wrong.
I am dying to be proven wrong.
Please universe, prove me wrong.